Xi didn’t really see a point to Kier’s visit – but hey, let a hundred flowers bloom | John Crace

Let’s face it, this was never going to be a meeting of equals. Keir Starmer had been desperate to squeeze in a trip to China for some time. Another country to tick off his list and he always feels a lot better about himself when he’s abroad. Less noise from his unhappy MPs. Plus he loved the pomp and ceremony that came with it. The large flags. The military bands. A country that treated him with respect. Almost. Besides, Mark Carney and Emmanuel Macron had both made recent trips. He had seen their holiday photos. Now it was his turn. He couldn’t bear to be left out.The Chinese? Not so much. They couldn’t really see the point. But they would schedule in a couple of meetings on the condition the UK government gave the green light to the new “mega embassy” near the Tower of London. Consider it done, said Keir. All systems go for the first prime-ministerial visit since Theresa May in 2018.There were a few more conditions. Xi Jinping had made it clear there would be a joint press conference with himself and Starmer. Xi doesn’t take well to answering hostile questions from the media. Instead there would be a joint statement in which they mouthed mostly bland platitudes. A way of filling dead air. Keir had quickly agreed. Any opportunity to prevent a possible diplomatic incident was fine by him. He would handle the British media in his own way. Taking a long time to say not very much. Words that would die within milliseconds of broadcast. As though his entire plan for the trip had been to get as little TV coverage as possible. An unusual strategy. But the only one that made any real sense.The meeting between Starmer and Xi had been scheduled to last 40 minutes. Hardly worth a four-day trip with a large trade delegation, you’d have thought. Maybe the two leaders really didn’t have anything much to say to each other. Certainly not for public consumption at a bilateral meeting in Beijing. Or maybe it was all a bluff. Shoot low and when the meeting runs to double the estimated time, both sides can claim it as a sign of how well they were getting on. Or maybe the simultaneous translation failed and the two leaders had to get the other’s sentences repeated back in their own language.Then the end-of-summit statements. For Keir this was everything he had dreamed of. Sitting at the same table as a previously hostile superpower. Though obviously he wasn’t going to do more than allude to any potential differences. That generally wasn’t seen as a great idea on a first date. What Britain needed with China was a “sophisticated” relationship.This was everything Keir had dreamed of ... though obviously he wasn’t going to do more than allude to any potential differences. Photograph: Carl Court/ReutersMmm. Are you sure about that, Keir? A sophisticated relationship is one in which either one or both of a middle-class or celebrity couple are routinely unfaithful to one another but stay together for the sake of convenience and appearances. Was that what Keir meant? Did he want to sign off some deal that was worth more to China than it was to Britain? While turning a blind eye to China funding and providing weapons to some of the world’s rogue states. Actually, yes. That was what he meant. Any relationship was better than none.Xi used his opportunity to bestow a little largesse. The Labour party had shown great wisdom in its efforts to improve relations. The last few years had done neither country any favour. Here Xi took a swipe at Kemi Badenoch for trying to inflame hostilities at every opportunity. Keir might have suggested to the Chinese that they shouldn’t take this too personally. Kemi was a one woman piece of liability-driven performance art. Just the previous day she had first said she wanted to see the back of her rightwing drama queens before telling the centrists they also were no longer welcome. She won’t be happy until the Tory party is hers alone. Along with human tick Chris Philp.There would be new opportunities opening, Xi went on to say. Though he wasn’t at all clear what they might be. But let a hundred flowers bloom and all that. There had been twists and turns that had been in neither country’s interests. Now was the time to put those differences aside. Well, some of them. Let’s be grown up. Of course China was spying on the UK. Just as the UK was spying on China. It was hardly Xi’s fault if his spies were more effective than ours. “Range far your eye over long distances,” Xi concluded, quoting a Chinese proverb. Maybe he knows more about Keir’s long-term prospects than we did.Later in the day, Starmer chose to give a number of interviews to British reporters. While they all appreciated the good vibes, could Keir talk through some of the tangible gains he had made? Er, top secret, but Chinese companies would no longer supply outboard motors to people smugglers. Not directly at any rate. Who knew what happened on secondary markets. The smuggling gangs must now be in a right panic.And Brits would now get visa free access to China for 30 days. Just like Germany and France. This was a huge win, said Keir. There were other deals potentially in the offing in the future. It felt very much as if the Chinese were all out to sell to us. Rather than buy. I hope our trade delegation aren’t too disappointed about that.Moving on. Had Starmer mentioned the British Hong Kong dissident Jimmy Lai? And all those MPs who had been sanctioned by the Chinese state? Yes, I did, said Keir. But very quietly. More of a mumble, really. Probably when Xi needed to take a toilet break. Still, someone on the Chinese delegation had said the prime minister’s comments had been noted. But they would be making no plans to activate any changes any time soon. Don’t watch this space.Finally the news we had all been waiting for. Starmer might not have been able to restrain himself from offering the Chinese a return state visit to the UK. Maybe not in so many words. But definitely some heavy hints. He just couldn’t help himself. He had known the previous year that it had been a mistake to offer Donald Trump a state visit on their first meeting. He had tried to play it cool. Not give away the one bargaining chip he had. The only thing Trump wanted from the UK. Other than flattery. Now he had done it again. If only he was better at deferred gratification.